So annoying..

We all have our own collection of irritations, injustices, and petty pretensions. I came across this gem of collections by Scott Cohen and I’ve selected the ones, I kinda agree on.

Don’t you just hate …..

1. That Barry Manilow didn’t write his hit song “I Write the Songs.”

2. Having to make that face to people in the hallway at work that implies “Hey.”

3. When you try on a garment in a store and think, I wish I could wear this – and then think, I can, I can wear this. So you buy it and never wear it.

4. That your requirements in a mate become stricter as you grow older, and your good looks wane, making it harder to attract even the mediocre people you no longer find acceptable.

5. When your nieces and nephews reach the age when they can distinguish a cheap gift from an expensive one.

6. That both Simon and Garfunkel went bald.

7. When a woman calls out “Thanks a million!” and waves as her car pulls away, and you realise that you just gave her totally wrong directions.

8. When your childhood friend who was always better than you at everything is still better than you at everything.

9. The tiny percentage of times that a song dedication played on the radio is actually heard by the person it’s being dedicated to.

10. The feeling you get when you clip your nail too far.

11. Having something valid to interject into the conversation of two nearby strangers, but knowing that society does not permit you to do so.

12. That men reach their sexual prime at 19, and women reach their sexual prime at 33 – but it’s far more common to see a 33-year-old man with a 19-year-old woman.

13. That by the time most people have saved enough money to travel the world, they are too old to endure the trip.

14. When your thigh rubs against a leather chair, emitting a loud, ripping noise, and every time you rub your leg against it again, in an attempt to make the same noise to prove to the public that it wasn’t a fart, it sounds nothing like the initial sound.

15. Parents who refuse to believe the negative things teachers say about their children at parent-teacher conferences.

16. Jobs where they try to make you feel better about your salary by giving you a meaningless title like Assistant Director of Postage.

17. The stunning speed with which marriage can destroy a lifelong friendship.

18. The lingering suspicion, each time you lather up with “2-in-1 shampoo plus conditioner,” that it isn’t quite as effective as applying shampoo and conditioner separately.

19. Being the last person on a long line that no one else seems to be getting on.

20. Wedding toasts that end up being more about the person giving the toast than the bride and groom.


To be continued …

My First Love

J.T. has been nagging me endlessly to get off my lazy butt and write something for my next posting. Yes, I admit I have been afflicted with the lazy bug … but guess its time I write something before JT nags me again.

Since both JT and K.C.have been talking about their first love, I decided to jump on the bandwagon as well.

It’s funny how the years simply cannot erase the memory of the first person that you ever loved. It could have been an infatuation, it could have been a major crush, it could have been puppy love and it could have been simple, uncomplicated, innocent love.

I first met John (yes, his name was John!) when I was 14. What attracted me to him was the fact that unlike his friends who were loud, boisterous and kept on nudging each other whenever a girl passed by, he was quiet, respectful and had a certain air of dignity in him … and for a 15 year old boy, that was in itself rather unusual.

The first time I set eyes on this bespectacled, serious looking young man was in church. I belonged to this small chapel and we did not have a resident parish priest. The priest used to come once a week on Saturday evenings to celebrate Mass for us. During one of the school holidays, he decided to bring a car load of altar servers with him, and John was among them.
There were many stolen glances and shy smiles exchanged during that first encounter. Then I used to see him whenever we went to his parish for Mass. Again the stolen glances and shy smiles continued. It was only many months later, during my parish feast day celebration, that I had the courage to go up to him and say ‘hi’ and introduce myself. Of course this would not have been possible without the help of my friend, who went up first and introduced herself, followed by me.

Of course this was the year 1980, when e-mails and hand-phones were not something we were familiar with. So we did the only thing that we could then, we exchanged addresses and kept in touch the old fashioned way. It was through his letters that I got to know him better. John lost his father when he was around 6 years old and could not remember much about him. But he and his brothers had a wonderful upbringing and this was strongly reflected in his personality.

Our letters were not filled with any words of endearment neither did it have any declarations of love. John was more concerned with our studies and would always advice me to study hard. He even went to the trouble of sending me notes and study tips.

This was how we kept in touch, until I finished my Form 5. We never went out on dates, we never went for a movie together, we never went out for a drink or anything like that. We never even chatted on the telephone. It was still the smiles and the glances whenever we saw each other in church (which was not too often).

John continued his studies in Form 6 and we still wrote to each other. After I received my SPM results, I decided to apply for the Teachers Training College and so did John. We were both accepted – he to the Teachers Training College in Johor and me – to the Teachers Training College in Terengganu. Unfortunately my mum was not too keen on me going to Terengganu and so I had to reject the offer. John went on to Johor and continued to write to me from there.

In 1985, my family and I moved to KL. John and I still kept in touch. When he completed his training after 3 years, he was transferred to Sarawak for two years where his teaching post was in a remote interior. It was a 7 to 8 hour journey from the town to the village and then it was a 3-hour boat ride to the school. But John did not complain despite all the hardships. In fact he said what made it all worth while was when the children would come up and hug him after the class at the end of the day. This was when I decided that I wanted this man to be the father of my children someday.

And it was during his stint in Sarawak that he became more open about his feelings for me. He would write to me to say how much he missed me, he would send me poems and he would tell me how he would gaze up at the stars each night and wish me good night. John always looked forward to my letters so I would send him pages and pages each week and write about almost anything. I knew he was lonely and the letters were his only companion.

During the school holidays, John would occasionally make a trip up to KL and we would go out for lunch and chat. The trips were not too frequent, but I treasured every moment of it. John was not exactly a romantic, but he was practical, sensitive and when I was with him, I felt safe, secure and loved.

After John, had finished his two years in Sarawak, he requested for a transfer to Peninsular Malaysia but they asked him to stay on for a couple of years. He was a bit disappointed as he longed to be back with his family and friends. He was then posted to another remote area in Sarawak. I could sense his frustrations, his loneliness and his letters became less and less frequent. One day he wrote to me and told me not to wait for him any longer. He was unsure of his future and he told me that he certainly could not expect me to marry him and come and live with him in Sarawak. I told him I would wait for him, but I guess his mind was made up. He soon stopped writing altogether although I continued to write to him. After a while, when my letters were unanswered, I too stopped writing although I never stopped thinking about him.

Sometime in the year 2000, I made a trip to Sarawak with some of my church group members and one evening as I was chatting with the priest after dinner, I told him about John … I guess the fact that I was in Sarawak stirred up all my old memories. The priest was very understanding and he suggested that I should try and find out what happened to John and maybe if I was lucky, I could still pick up where we had left off. I was initially apprehensive – it has been more than 10 years since I was last in touch with John, but I realised that I still missed him, and anyway what did I have to lose?

After making some enquiries from someone who was from John’s hometown, I discovered that John was now married with two kids and living in Johor.

Well, that soon put a stop to my romantic notions of ever hooking up with him again, although I did have a sense of regret. Maybe, just maybe if I had bothered to contact him sooner, I may have had a chance.

A few years ago, I saw his mum’s obituary in the newspaper and I sent him a condolence card. Although I included a short note in the card, I did not include my contact details – I knew that the time had come for me to let go of John completely, he was married now and there was no point in me coming into his life again, even as a friend because I was not sure that I could see him as that – just a friend.

I have been involved in a couple of relationships since then, but none have lasted because I have never found them fulfilling. Perhaps one reason why I’m still not married is because I’m still waiting for someone just like John to enter my life.

In a lazy mood!

Celebrate her, Indulge her, Love her....

On Sunday, May 13 we celebrate Mother’s Day. I would like to dedicate this to my mum and to all the wonderful mothers out there.

Mothers are a special breed of human beings. They’ve got eyes at the back of their heads. They have a dozen arms doing a hundred things at once. They are where you don’t want them to be. They know exactly what you’re thinking and they have a formula to wash your mouth out with soap.

If that makes them sound like ogres, then yes, they’re the ogres who have nestled us in their wombs long before we came out kicking and screaming in this world. They have instilled character into us, put the flesh on our bones, knocked sense into our heads and guided us through the thinnest and broadest alleys of our lives.

And if we tell them, “We couldn’t have done this without you mum”, they’ll say, “Right and don’t forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed, remember to say your prayers, always make sure you take your vitamins, don’t wear anything too promiscuous and keep your legs together at all times!”

Motherhood really is the oldest profession. It’s been around since the Big Bang and whether you’re three, 13 or 30, a mother never stops being one. She’s teacher, resident bully, and the lady with the softest heart, the toughest shoulders and the largest lap.

My favourite memory of my mother? There are too many. What I would like to remember is the way she’d stay up when I came home late, the way she nags me all the time, the way she surprises me with my favourite dish ….

And sometimes when I question her judgement and ask her why, her answer is always, “You’ll know when you a mother yourself.”

Happy Mother's Day, Mum.

Will You Marry Me?

An old acquaintance of mine just contacted me to inform me that she was getting married. Of course, two things went through my mind when I hung up after the conversation. One was that she was literally gloating about the fact that she was heading towards the altar before me and number two was that she had never really bothered much to keep in touch, so why now – which brought me back to point number one – to GLOAT!

Anyway never mind about that. This got me thinking … about the big ‘P’. How does a couple come to an agreement that they finally wanna get hitched? Is it really romantic – over a candle-light dinner, roses and then the guy gets down on one knee and out comes the ring? Or is it between a commercial break on TV, “Hey honey, wanna get married? I’m free on July 25”

Women in general have been brought up on a steady diet of Mills and Boon and as they grow older … on to the steamier ones. So basically we want the works – the man down on one knee, champagne (okay we’ll settle for Sprite or Coke), chocolates and roses.

But I was really disappointed when I checked with some of my gal pals who are now blissfully married – apparently their proposals weren’t in the least bit romantic. Now that they think of it, they wonder how come they let their men off the hook so easily. Surely we women are worth it? Surely the man should plan this down to the teeniest detail?

A proposal for us gals is this super romantic moment – the culmination of all those months of dating, of wondering “will he – won’t he”.

For a guy, a proposal is a bitter-sweet moment. Yes, he loves you, and yes he wants to marry you and share his life with you. But yes, he also likes being single, being able to hang out with his pals, being able to live like a slob, being able to come and go as he pleases … it’s enough that he has to check in with his mum all the time, but now a wife?

Therefore, to his way of thinking, he’s making this huge sacrifice. He is giving up his freedom and placing himself in the hands of a woman who will tell him when to wake up, when to eat, when to bathe, when to sleep (not that his mum has not been doing this already). So under the circumstances, he is not particularly bothered by the ‘stage settings’. He just wants to get it over and done with and hope that you will say ‘yes’. So while he’s telling you that he loves you, he can’t live without you, he’s the luckiest man on earth - he is actually telling himself that he does not have to worry about who’s gonna do his laundry or cook and clean for him, now that his mum has asked him to move out of the house and fend for himself.

This then should explain why you may not have a tender moment on the beach with glowing sunset and violins in the background when he proposes – because for him, it’s a matter of survival.

Well, no matter where, when or how he proposes, just remember one thing, he may not be your ‘perfect man’ but you know that you do actually love the guy and want to spend your life with him. As for me, I’m still waiting for someone to get down on one knee ….

Men are really cavemen still!

I came across this article in a magazine and thought it would be fun to share it with all of you. You may agree or disagree but do feel free to put in your two cents worth. Is this male bashing? I think not …. Just take it with a pinch of salt, guys!

1. Men don’t have any romantic ideas when it comes to sex!

2. The caveman may be dormant or well concealed in most men, but inevitably he reveals in full fury. And women who vouch for their men as angels will agree on this.

3. Power is the name of the game. Man needs to dominate. Whether a man dominates man or man dominates a woman.

4. The more sexual powers a woman has over the man, the more she’s in control.

5. There is no difference between love and lust. It’s just a different intensity of moment. At a lower frequency, it’s called love. So it is just a biological turbulence in your body which creates ‘love’ – because why the f**k doesn’t it last then? Nothing lasts in life. Everything evaporates.

6. The penis is a pleasure point, and so are women’s genitals. If you want to worship it and say that this is where life begins and ends, fine. There’s no denying that. But animals also do it. And when a rattlesnake gives birth to her babies, there are no odes being written. So why make it sound so special?

7. Love is a four-letter word. It’s a cultural attribute – you pick it up from music, literature and environment. It’s a virus. It’s pardonable insanity. And it’s played havoc with the lives of men and women.

8. Love is Mother Nature’s way of trapping you, for procreation.

9. Real independence is the biggest turn-on. A prostitute is independent. She stands on the street, sells her body and makes her money with dignity. And faces the consequences of her actions.

10. Every mythology has an idea of a perfect woman – but since they do not exist, men create them in fiction. So the idea of a perfect woman is simply a man’s idea.

Thank you JT for being my best friend

"Do not save your loving speeches

For your friends till they are dead;

Do not write them on their tombstones,

Speak them rather now instead."

- Anna Cummins

You make everything more beautiful because you are my friend.
You have a way of transforming ordinary everyday things into delightful occasions.
You lighten my load, you brighten my road.
No one else can quite offer me the uniqueness of your self
Perhaps this is the reason why I treasure you my dear friend.

How To Impress Each Other

(By J.T. of Jacqui's Curve)

Following my last entry in Lady Patsy's Chambers, I felt compelled to share U.Lee's comment on how genders can impress each other.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

1. Compliment her,

2. cuddle her,

3. kiss her,

4. caress her,

5. love her,

6. stroke her,

7. tease her,

8. comfort her,

9. protect her,

10. hug her,

11. hold her,

12. spend money on her,

13. wine & dine her,

14. buy things for her,

15. listen to her,

16. care for her,

17. stand by her,

18. support her,

19. go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

1.Show up naked.

2. Bring beer.

Men are such simple creatures, yet....

... HERE'S THE MAN WHO WAITED IN VAIN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN: