Happy New Year Everyone!

Santa's in town!

I'll be quite busy this next couple of weeks (Santa dropped by - as you can see), so would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Breaking free from “the world owes me” mentality

I am a first generation Malaysian Indian. My father came to Malaysia from India in search of a better life. He left behind the security and comfort of his home land, his family, his relatives and friends because he truly believed that Malaya (as it was known then) was a land of opportunity. This country, he told himself, would become his new home. No one forced him to come, no one coerced him to come – it was a personal choice.

In time, my father sent for his bride to be and my mother too came to this unknown and foreign land. They soon settled down and started a family, which would grow over the years to include seven children.

Life was not easy here. It was a struggle but my father persevered. He could have easily thrown in the towel and pack up his family and leave for his familiar home land as did many others, but he did not. Yes, he faced many kinds of trials and tribulations – financial woes were aplenty and discrimination at the work place was rife. But he took it all in stride. This was his homeland now - both my parents had given up their Indian citizenships and were proud to call themselves Malaysians and they were willing to withstand whatever life.

My father has since passed away. Since coming to Malaysia, he only visited his country of birth on two occasions – the last one was just a couple of months before his death. My mother on the other hand, returned to India only once and it has now been more than 40 years since her last visit. When I asked my mum if she misses the land of her birth, she said that except for wanting to visit her siblings over there, she is quite content in remaining in Malaysia as this is her home now.

I am not afraid to admit that growing up in Malaysia has not been a complete bed of roses – there have been numerous ups and downs, many instances of discrimination and injustice but I have learned to accept it in my stride. Many a job has slipped from my fingers not because I lacked the qualifications or experience but simply because I am the wrong colour. Yet discrimination comes in many forms – so it will be unfair for me to only highlight the racial discrimination that still exists in this country – we face discrimination in many places – in our places of worship, amongst our own ethnic community, in the workplace, gender discrimination etc.

There are many like me who have faced walls and barriers and there are many like me who have picked ourselves up from the dust of oppression, put a smile on our face and marched on with determination. I don’t hold my parents responsible for the struggles I face in life and I don’t lament that the world owes me a living.

I know of many people who have pulled themselves out of the depths of poverty through sheer effort, hard work and determination and who have made something of themselves. While it would have been easy for them to start pointing fingers and blaming everyone else for the sad state of affairs, they have chosen to channel their energy into something worthwhile and make something of themselves.

Then there are those who use their talents in helping others – in bringing a positive change to a particular group or community. They are aware of the many shortcomings in legislative measures and government funding, so instead of merely making noise about the situation, they chose to do something about it as well.

If we believe that our community has remained at the bottom of the ladder all these years, then perhaps its time we asked ourselves why. Have we allowed ourselves to remain in the shackles of ‘colonisation’ and hoped that someone would hand us the key or have we attempted to break free? There are many success stories amongst the Indian community – numerous rags to riches stories – so why do we continue to sit and wait for hand-outs when we can fend for ourselves?

Let’s face it – there is no one government anywhere in the world that is perfect. If there were, then there certainly would be a mass exodus to that Utopia. However it is not impossible to reach this Utopia – all we have to do is free ourselves from this “the world owes me” mentality and learn to help ourselves.

Let me leave you with this quote from the great Mahatma Gandhi: “Rights that do not flow from duty well performed are not worth having.”

It’s Raining Men … Allelulia!

There have been many men who have walked into my life. While some have left, others have remained and these are some of the ones whom I hold dear to me and whom I love unashamedly. I love each of them differently and for different reasons. They have all touched my life in their own way and together they have made me feel totally complete … how could a woman ask for more?

Phillip was among the first who came into my life and I love him for having helped me to nurture my talents. I love him for his welcoming nature and for his sometimes wicked sense of humour. I love him for his quiet gentleness and for his fatherly wisdom. I love him for being able to be a friend and a counsellor to all who seek him. I love him for his empathic nature and for his ability to sometimes see beyond rigid rules and regulations. I love him for showing that it is possible to be detached and yet care for someone deeply and I certainly love him for being that strong solid rock and safe haven who I can always count on.

Then there is Rawi – a character unto himself whom I love for his boisterous nature and for his “I don’t care what the world thinks of me” attitude. I love him for his ability of not letting trivial things bother him. I love him for always seeing the good in everyone and for believing that each person deserves a second chance. I love him for being able to put aside his differences and stand up for his contemporaries when the need arises. I love him for his tolerant nature, for his patience and for being able to put up with all my idiosyncrasies over the years and I love him for always being there for me.

What would I ever do without Gerard? I love him for being my own personal punching bag when I need to vent my frustrations. I love him for his welcoming smile, for his great warmth and his unselfish love. I love him for his wit and his sarcasm under which lies a heart of gold. I love him for not being judgemental and for his often non-committal remarks. I love him for knowing when to be silent and for knowing when to give advice. I love him for giving people that space and freedom to grow and for allowing them to make their own mistakes and learning from it and I love him for his quiet strength and gentle assurance and the knowledge that he will never neglect me especially in my time of need.

I love Mari for his persistence in reaching beyond the barriers of distance and silence. I love him for being able to see the unspoken words in a person’s heart and for sensing the hurts that assails one’s soul. I love him for his curtness and for his in your face attitude. I love him for his great insight on life and for his ability to weather all types of adversities. I love him for being able to accept his own weaknesses and for seeing life as a blessing and I love him for accepting me the way I am.

Chris is like a breath of fresh air in my life. I love him for his “nothing gets me down” attitude. I love him for his sunny disposition and for his endless enthusiasm. I love him for being down to earth and for his practical perspective on life. I love him for his child-like qualities. I love him for his reassuring spirit and for his calm, gentle manner and I love him for being able to uplift my spirits whenever I am down.

Nourishment for my soul – this is what Clarence means to me. I love him for his boyish innocence. I love him for his intellectual stimulation as well as his unspoken cynicism. I love him for his ability to calm a troubled soul and bring them gently back to the fold. I love him for his charm and also his aloofness at times. I love him for his quiet, dignified manner and for his level-headedness and I love him for his calm presence in my life.

I love George for his stubborn streak and for the many upheavals he brings into my life. I love him for the way he stands up to me when I am in the wrong. I love him for the many misunderstandings that we have encountered, because it has humbled me. I also love him for his charitable nature and for his fighting spirit. I love him for his determination and for his ability to accept and overcome the many obstacles of life. I love him for his quiet nature and his gentle approach and I love him for his sturdy presence in my life.

Terrance is like a gentle breeze on a hot, sunny day. I love him for his calm, gentle demeanour. I love him for always looking on the bright side of things. I love him for his quiet acceptance of life and everything that has been thrust on him. I love him for his ability to turn every hardship or disappointment into a blessing. I love him for his contemplative nature and for his quiet words of wisdom. I love him for thoughtfulness and his compassion and I love him for knowing how to soothe my bruised soul.

Edwin is a man of few words, but his thoughtfulness is immeasurable. I love him for his patience and for his tolerance. I love him for putting up with my insecurities at times and for his understanding. I love him for his distant yet firm hand of friendship. I love him for his quiet assurance and I love him for always being when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Yes, there are other men in my life – but that’s another posting – some other day but for now, these are the men who have been with me on my many journeys of life. Some have been there for years and others have come in more recently – and I thank God for blessing me with each and every one of them and I just wanna say this: I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

I’m in love again!

I’m in love again!

There’s a spring in my walk, a song in my heart and a smile on my face. I feel as if I’m sweet sixteen once again. What brought about this transformation you may ask … its simple actually … I’m in love again.

I don’t know when or how it happened, I just know that it was love at first sight. My thoughts, my feelings, my actions are centred around my love. I am consumed with such a great passion, that it is burning me alive. I thirst so much and can only be quenched by my love.

I was hesitant at first … I did not want to get entangled in this relationship because I know that it will only cause me a lot of heartache and pain at the end of the day. But I was just too weak to resist. My body and soul held only one desire and I could not fight it off any longer ….

True Love is the place that many seek,

many people call it life's highest peak,

Its truly blind to coldness,

it is peaceful, interesting and divine,

sometimes it seems so hard to find.

But when true love is found,

you know in it you'll always want to be entwined.

With wisdom we learn truths,

We know that 'Looks' are not important,

and know that a good heart matters most.

When love is sought in silly superficialities,

the only thing that's found is emptiness,

Love does not want superiority,

respects the difference in equality,

It is not cruel, arrogant, or mean,

True Love is kind, caring, considerate and clean.

True Love is not found with lust or power trips,

it can't be found in butts or hips.

It isn't found in muscles, height or boobs,

It can't be found in body gaps.

Its forgiving but it learns from the past,

True Love is sympathetic and it lets you be free,

anyone who knows true love... will agree.

True Love lives in caring and sharing,

that I can guarantee and swear.

True Love is giving but not excessive,

True love listens well and is expressive.

True love is just and wise,

it doesn't allow unfair abuse,

that comes from crazy girls or guys,

True Love really can live alone and still feel love,

It usually chooses to share itself with others,

it fills you with comfort,

it always lives... its always love.

Yes after many years, I’m tempted once again, my love has come a calling and to my lips it speaks ,,,, its temptation I just can’t resist … I must indulge, I must give in … and on my hips will lie the sin of my temptation for all the world to see … a few minutes of pleasure will end in months of shame.

I mean seriously folks, I’m sure many of you just can’t resist the simply mouth-watering Ice Kacang … shaved ice topped with sweet corn, black jelly, cendol, red beans and attap chee (palm seeds), drenched with rose syrup, gula melaka syrup, condensed milk and evaporated milk! Its simply heavenly and yes, I’m in love again with the wonderful Ais Kacang and so what if I’m gonna add on a couple more pounds?

Advice for a new bride

My colleague Mei Fern is getting married tomorrow (29th September, 2007) and its gonna be easy for me to remember her anniversary next year and the year after … and the year after that … and the subsequent years coz its just two days after my birthday.

Being attached to a Public Relations firm, Mei Fern is quite lucky that her boss (who also happens to be a close family friend) and her colleagues were very much involved in the planning of the wedding. I think all new brides will attest to the fact that planning a wedding can be quite a headache and sometimes even filled with much tears and frustration. Suddenly everyone is an expert on weddings and wants to jump onto the band wagon of dishing out unsolicited advice.

While looking out for a nice wedding poem to enclose with the card for the bride and groom, I came across this interesting and humorous piece of advice for a new bride. Its such a classic that I just can’t resist sharing it with everyone.

This of course is one piece of advice which I’m sure Mei Fern is most certainly NOT going to be following.

Anyway Mei Fern and Chun Mun, here’s wishing you both much joy, happiness and great adventures as you embark on this new journey together.

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This is a reprint of an article in The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894:

Instruction and advice for the young bride

On the Conduct and Procedure

Of the Intimate and Personal Relationships

Of the Marriage State

For the Greater Spiritual Sanctity

Of this Blessed Sacrament

And the Glory of God

by Ruth SmythersBeloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers,

Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church

of the Eastern Regional Conference

Published in the year of our Lord 1894

Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City.

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Instruction and advice for the young bride

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To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.

She should be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she should lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

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Copyright 1894 The Madison Institute

Turning 42 ...

Turning 42 and loving every moment of it!

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Yeah yours truly just turned 42 and as much as I would like to say that I’m going out to paint the town red, I won’t. I woke up, came to work in the morning and will be going straight home after work in the evening. Have my dinner, watch a little TV and go straight to bed. No fuss, no fanfare … just another ordinary day.

It's not that I don’t believe in celebrating birthdays etc, but I guess I’ve just reached a stage in my life where my priorities have shifted greatly and I’ve learned to accept life one day at a time.
The 40's have impacted my identity by helping me find out how strong of a person I am. With all my trials and tribulations that I went through and am still going through, I feel stronger every day. I never knew that I was this strong of a person and so self determined. And I never knew there were so many tough bridges to cross, but I have crossed them and made it over to the other side.

Just last month, I went back to a full-time job after having had a relaxing 5 months or so at home. Given a choice, I would have loved to continue working as a free-lance writer but certain financial commitments did not allow me to do so for too long.

The company I joined is wonderful – the work is not too stressful and both my boss and colleagues are wonderful people and I enjoy the working environment.

It so happened that after I joined this company, I received two job offers with a higher pay, a senior designation and great perks. In the past I may have immediately grabbed either one of the jobs, but when I received the calls, I was not hesitant in turning down the jobs simply because I am happy here. Although I am not denying that money plays an important factor in my life, I realized that I would rather place personal happiness above monetary gain. I’ve passed that stage in my life where career comes above everything else.

I’ve also come to realize that at this age, I’ve broadened my views about a lot of stuff and I don’t find it strange that I can hang out with a bunch of 20-somethings and have a good time and that I can have a leisurely lunch/dinner and great conversation with someone in their 60s or 70s and have an equally good time.

Being in my 40s has also helped me to accept my physical appearance. In the past I would have been too concerned about my looks – wishing that I had a 36-24-36 figure etc and not an inch of fat on my body. Surprisingly I find that I can still feel sexy and attractive with my grey hair and my pear-shaped body – I am no longer inhibited by the way my figure is and have no need to camouflage it by wearing loose, baggy outfits.

So what if my breasts have begun to sag a little bit; so what if I don’t have a flat tummy and so what if my flabby thighs will wiggle and shake when I get into a swimsuit. I’ve learnt that if you are confident about the way you look, then that confidence will convert itself into beauty which will be seen by others and I’m not ashamed to brag that men still find me attractive – flab and all.

I know that my body will soon be assailed with all sorts of aches and pains that women in their 40s can look forward to. I’m not worrying my life away that I’m still single and my biological clock is ticking away. I’m not afraid of menopause and am being positive about having hot flashes. You are as old as you feel and I still feel like I am in my thirties or 20's.

Yes I guess this is what growing older is all about – its about enjoying life and learning to accept it one day at a time. So once again, Happy Birthday to me!