My First Love

J.T. has been nagging me endlessly to get off my lazy butt and write something for my next posting. Yes, I admit I have been afflicted with the lazy bug … but guess its time I write something before JT nags me again.

Since both JT and K.C.have been talking about their first love, I decided to jump on the bandwagon as well.

It’s funny how the years simply cannot erase the memory of the first person that you ever loved. It could have been an infatuation, it could have been a major crush, it could have been puppy love and it could have been simple, uncomplicated, innocent love.

I first met John (yes, his name was John!) when I was 14. What attracted me to him was the fact that unlike his friends who were loud, boisterous and kept on nudging each other whenever a girl passed by, he was quiet, respectful and had a certain air of dignity in him … and for a 15 year old boy, that was in itself rather unusual.

The first time I set eyes on this bespectacled, serious looking young man was in church. I belonged to this small chapel and we did not have a resident parish priest. The priest used to come once a week on Saturday evenings to celebrate Mass for us. During one of the school holidays, he decided to bring a car load of altar servers with him, and John was among them.
There were many stolen glances and shy smiles exchanged during that first encounter. Then I used to see him whenever we went to his parish for Mass. Again the stolen glances and shy smiles continued. It was only many months later, during my parish feast day celebration, that I had the courage to go up to him and say ‘hi’ and introduce myself. Of course this would not have been possible without the help of my friend, who went up first and introduced herself, followed by me.

Of course this was the year 1980, when e-mails and hand-phones were not something we were familiar with. So we did the only thing that we could then, we exchanged addresses and kept in touch the old fashioned way. It was through his letters that I got to know him better. John lost his father when he was around 6 years old and could not remember much about him. But he and his brothers had a wonderful upbringing and this was strongly reflected in his personality.

Our letters were not filled with any words of endearment neither did it have any declarations of love. John was more concerned with our studies and would always advice me to study hard. He even went to the trouble of sending me notes and study tips.

This was how we kept in touch, until I finished my Form 5. We never went out on dates, we never went for a movie together, we never went out for a drink or anything like that. We never even chatted on the telephone. It was still the smiles and the glances whenever we saw each other in church (which was not too often).

John continued his studies in Form 6 and we still wrote to each other. After I received my SPM results, I decided to apply for the Teachers Training College and so did John. We were both accepted – he to the Teachers Training College in Johor and me – to the Teachers Training College in Terengganu. Unfortunately my mum was not too keen on me going to Terengganu and so I had to reject the offer. John went on to Johor and continued to write to me from there.

In 1985, my family and I moved to KL. John and I still kept in touch. When he completed his training after 3 years, he was transferred to Sarawak for two years where his teaching post was in a remote interior. It was a 7 to 8 hour journey from the town to the village and then it was a 3-hour boat ride to the school. But John did not complain despite all the hardships. In fact he said what made it all worth while was when the children would come up and hug him after the class at the end of the day. This was when I decided that I wanted this man to be the father of my children someday.

And it was during his stint in Sarawak that he became more open about his feelings for me. He would write to me to say how much he missed me, he would send me poems and he would tell me how he would gaze up at the stars each night and wish me good night. John always looked forward to my letters so I would send him pages and pages each week and write about almost anything. I knew he was lonely and the letters were his only companion.

During the school holidays, John would occasionally make a trip up to KL and we would go out for lunch and chat. The trips were not too frequent, but I treasured every moment of it. John was not exactly a romantic, but he was practical, sensitive and when I was with him, I felt safe, secure and loved.

After John, had finished his two years in Sarawak, he requested for a transfer to Peninsular Malaysia but they asked him to stay on for a couple of years. He was a bit disappointed as he longed to be back with his family and friends. He was then posted to another remote area in Sarawak. I could sense his frustrations, his loneliness and his letters became less and less frequent. One day he wrote to me and told me not to wait for him any longer. He was unsure of his future and he told me that he certainly could not expect me to marry him and come and live with him in Sarawak. I told him I would wait for him, but I guess his mind was made up. He soon stopped writing altogether although I continued to write to him. After a while, when my letters were unanswered, I too stopped writing although I never stopped thinking about him.

Sometime in the year 2000, I made a trip to Sarawak with some of my church group members and one evening as I was chatting with the priest after dinner, I told him about John … I guess the fact that I was in Sarawak stirred up all my old memories. The priest was very understanding and he suggested that I should try and find out what happened to John and maybe if I was lucky, I could still pick up where we had left off. I was initially apprehensive – it has been more than 10 years since I was last in touch with John, but I realised that I still missed him, and anyway what did I have to lose?

After making some enquiries from someone who was from John’s hometown, I discovered that John was now married with two kids and living in Johor.

Well, that soon put a stop to my romantic notions of ever hooking up with him again, although I did have a sense of regret. Maybe, just maybe if I had bothered to contact him sooner, I may have had a chance.

A few years ago, I saw his mum’s obituary in the newspaper and I sent him a condolence card. Although I included a short note in the card, I did not include my contact details – I knew that the time had come for me to let go of John completely, he was married now and there was no point in me coming into his life again, even as a friend because I was not sure that I could see him as that – just a friend.

I have been involved in a couple of relationships since then, but none have lasted because I have never found them fulfilling. Perhaps one reason why I’m still not married is because I’m still waiting for someone just like John to enter my life.